ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
