i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
