watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I want her autograph on my taint
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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