Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
