i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize