Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
