I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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