I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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