What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize