I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
