I puked a lego.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
