this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
