My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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