I wanna bring you to show and tell
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
