I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize