If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
