I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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