Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's blow job season.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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