Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
