I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The police scanner is talking about you again....
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
