apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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