New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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