Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
