Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
