I could make wine with my vomit
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize