i think my mom watched the whole time
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
