did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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