is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
