Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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