I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
