1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
