Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
