Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
