Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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