he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
