my vag is so smooth its legendary
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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