I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
