I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I don't deserve a penis
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize