I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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