Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
