rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
