I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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