mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
