Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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