he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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