My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
