Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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