recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Even my vagina gasped.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
