You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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