i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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