Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize