Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
This is my gift to your gina
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
