Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
