You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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