its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You are the jesus of drinking
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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