I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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