Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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