My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
