you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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