I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
