He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
