Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
