my phone needs a breathalizer
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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