CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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