Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
