He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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