hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
