Cold hands, warm shart.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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