He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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